I chose to major in English in college for reasons I don't totally understand. I am a reader of fiction but I prefer current non-fiction to the classics. I think it has something to do with my quiet, introspective nature. English classes tend to have lots of philosophical discussion. I am the philosophical paranoid type that has to know everything. I briefly considered majoring in philosophy but that didn't appeal to me very much. There was something very austere about academic philosophy that I didn't like.
Anyway, I eventually came to the decision of majoring in English. All the while, during my drifting in college, I wondered what I wanted to do for a living. I wanted a decent wage and I didn't want to feel like I was selling my soul to the devil. There didn't seem to be any job out there that appealed to me. All jobs are rather dreadful from my perspective and I couldn't ever imagine myself to do one thing day in and day out for the rest of my life.
I began to think about teaching high school English for a living. I loved my English classes in college. I could see my self pouring into books and telling other people what I found in them.
So, after I graduated, listless and depressed because I didn't know what I wanted to do, I pursued and eventually obtained a my teaching certificate and Masters Degree in Education. I was certain I would enjoy teaching. The thought of it really made me happy. It seemed the only ray of hope in a less than spectacular job world. I could influence kids and continue my passion for reading. But it turned out to be too good to be true.
It turns out that I'm a lousy teacher. Well, I know everyone is at first, but I really cannot see myself doing what I want to do in the classroom. There will always be some obstacle that will prevent me feeling like I made some kind of difference in students lives. Personally, my biggest obstacle is fitting into a world of talkers. All teachers that hold out in the classroom are talkers. I'm just not wired that way. I'm a thinker (not that the talkers don't think). I'm too quiet to run a classroom and if I wanted to get anything done and it would require a whole personality shift, something I can't do, to be a teacher.
It's not uncommon for teachers to burn out in there first few years of teaching and I see why. When you think about all of the problems in our education system it depresses you to the point of losing hope. There is no diversity. It's all the same from coast to coast. All the kids are bored because they don't feel like they're doing anything useful. They're right to think so. There's no time to do anything useful in school. The bell eventually rings in a few minutes and you have to move on to something else totally unrelated.
I'm happy that I'm finally coming to realize this and I don't have any regrets (well except student loans). Better late than never. I could have been doing something I didn't want to do for a long time. I can finally put my energy into doing something I want to do. I'm not quite sure what it is yet but I'm confident I will find it.
